Audrey Horne's Ultimate Gift Guide for Men (Serious)
the definitive list, meticulously crafted and humbly presented
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a gift guide for anyone shopping FOR MEN (notoriously hard to shop for). I have received a lot of requests to create a gift guide for anyone shopping for women (notoriously easy to shop for but it is what it is), and I am hard at work putting that together!
I am renowned in certain circles for my ability to generate good gift ideas on a whim, especially for underserved populations (men). My fame is based on a DM I once sent in which I comprehensively listed every possible gift you could give a man for Christmas. That message is now lost to legend and the bowels of my original long-suspended Twitter account, but thanks to my obvious keen understanding of the masculine mind, every December I receive a bunch of texts from people anxious to buy their friends, boyfriends, and brothers something new. Because I find it miraculous that NO screenshot of the original DM exists, I rely on intuition and quick wit to provide customized gift ideas in the moment, in the hopes that one day the legendary message will reappear. No such screenshot has surfaced, and I have never attempted to recreate the original list.
Until today.
This time I reached out to a few of my friends for a little help. I asked them the following:
Represented here are the opinions of one STEM PhD, several bookworms, journalists, shitposters, a chef, a sous chef, a filmmaker, both members of the Axis of Maxes1, Christian Lorentzen (he said he “doesn’t like possessions”, but his reputation precedes him), my boyfriend, my best friend’s boyfriend, meme page admins, Mikey MDC, a militant socialist, dandies, fops, a man who cooks dinner for 50 people every week, a professional cellist, and the most well-connected men on the East Coast (Lars and Salty Pickles)2. If you don’t find a gift here, that’s on you.
My only guiding philosophy is that all gifts should elicit delight and surprise, and so - just as in gift giving for women (coming soon) - no strictly utilitarian gifts are allowed unless they are whimsical enough. No gifts that your mom would give you (socks, etc.) Also, because I live in the coastal liberal trenches, this gift guide is biased towards men of letters. Don’t expect any sports-oriented content. Mikey suggested some kind of team affiliated baseball cap so that is the only exception and I am putting it right here upfront in the spirit of transparency.
Cozy men
A man’s home is his castle. These ideas are for men who appreciate a comfortable bed, mood lighting, and a well made drink.
Pendleton wool blanket
Hotel quality pillows
Sheets (only if he will really appreciate them, this is kind of a boring gift but doesn’t have to be)
A tray for eating breakfast in bed. Says infamous “bad boy of tech” Adam:
I love my tray
A set of glasses and glass straws (no BPAS)
A bottle of whiskey. Whiskey snob “Lil’ Stinky” says:
My go to is to gift people “Nikka From The Barrel” or “Aberlour A’bunadh” (or Aberlour A’bunadh Alba)
Ask the people at the register if they carry any Campbeltown whisky, a kind of obscure style that is cool to have in a collection.
imo anything with an age on it or with something advertising its strength
(“cask strength” “barrel proof” etc) is a good gift item bc they have some degree of uniqueness to them
Saltypickles recommends a potted plant to put by your window
My friend Marcos, the West Village sybarite, recommends Keap candles (individual or subscription):
They use a high ratio of real oils for them (especially the Isle of Jasmine one) and they’re only like $50 bucks a pop.
Cheaper than Diptyqe and FM [Frederic Malle] and honestly maybe even better all around.
[Master perfumer Christophe Laudamiel] is the nose behind most candles […] according to Fragrantica he is the nose behind *all* the range.
Matt (an Actual Man) recommends Aloeswood candles:
There's all the typical stuff -- tools, power drills, fishing gear. But if you're getting a gift for an actual man, he probably has that stuff. So get him something he definitely doesn't have, but will absolutely appreciate: A good scented candle. Not that Glade trash you get at Target. Spend some money, get a scent that says 'man with taste.' My personal favorite is Aloewood from Sydney Hale
A turntable, the one linked is said to be “deemed the best starter turntable around” by Marcos, who has his ear to the ground
An iPad
meUndies? You can look them up for yourself. Anonymous source says these “changed his life”
Incense
A cowhide rug or perhaps a sheepskin for by the bed
Old school martini glasses, inspired by The Thin Man (1934)
Fancy men
Not all men can inhabit this space.
A starter fragrance + Luca Turin’s books on perfumes.
As a novice fragrance enthusiast, I owe the following recommendations to the dedicated perfume nerds in my circle of acquaintance, but I’ve loved getting CDG scents as ‘edgy’ starters for men (CDG 2, Blackpepper, any of the incense fragrances particularly Avignon and Kyoto). I’ve also turned to Frederic Malle’s Cologne Indelible as an inoffensive classic for more traditional men who are new to all this or men who are looking for a standard scent. My friend Vivian (a true perfume head, his excellent substack pairing perfumes and music is linked) puts it well:
Last Christmas my mom got me a department store bottle of Burberry for Men; really, any classic cologne will do, but a large size that you don’t pay for is a perfume you’ll never think twice about splashing on, which is perhaps the best gift of all.
If you’re dealing with an established perfume freak, just listen closely and get whatever scent he seems most excited about. Assuming you’re familiar with his collection but don’t know his preferences, if he doesn’t yet own it, Etat’s Secretions Magnifique makes a fantastic gift on the basis of pure notoriety. Celine’s Nightclubbing or Guerlain’s Shalimar are also good and less obnoxious to most noses.
An avant-garde bouquet (flowers aren’t just for women)
Spa gift card
MOMA store stuff for the home
Vivian also recommends a designer tie:
My sister got me a Vivienne Westwood tie for my birthday a couple years ago, which was really nice; most young men around our age either have too much formalwear or nowhere near enough, and a playful (not gauche!) tie works well for either party.
I concur. I purchased a beautiful secondhand Hermes dolphin print (not gauche!) tie for my father last Christmas.
Custom leather boots or custom cowboy hat (takes some research)
Cool guy corduroy ballcap
In the same vein, an eBay purchase of a box of 50 random vintage hats. So says New York Max:
My roommate got drunk and bought this one night and it seems Pretty self-explanatory but it honestly rips to have a total surprise element and find US Postal Service, SilverLake Country Club, and Winnie the Pooh caps that add some character to a summer fit.
Marni sweater if you want something bright and fun, APC sweater if you want to keep it classic.
Lake recommends two pairs of shoes: the Lemaire piped black flat slippers and New Balance 9060s (“cheaper and easier to get than the ALD ones and more versatile”)
Learnèd men
For the aforementioned men of letters.
Museum membership (great for someone who goes on a lot of dates!)
Literary magazine subscription. I’m not well versed but I do love Forever and The Drift, and the Paris Review always has pretty covers so I have often given that.
The well-read hosts of DC’s Thursday Dinner recommend McSweeney’s, Harpers, The Lamp, Plough, and Current Affairs in addition to the above
Saltypickles recommends the Mars Review of Books.
- adds n+1, Point, Baffler, Heavy Traffic, Yale Review, Raritan, White Review, Granta, and NOON
A book they already love but with a really nice cover, custom prints (thanks for the link, Chris), OR a really old version or first edition. The first edition of Andrea Dworkin’s Right Wing Women was given to me recently and I loved it!
Criterion Channel subscription
Tote bag full of books you picked out from a secondhand bookstore. Tom Tuna recommends Bruce Wagner books and old Details magazines you can find on eBay
Book of lore for any show you’ve been watching
A nice classic leatherbound Bible (KJV linked)
A record, CD, or cassette from Aaron’s store
Tickets for favorite comedian
- subscription + tote
Cameo is still pretty funny if you can find the right celebrity
Small prints of long books. Recommended by Chris, who sometimes produces his own as when he printed “Liddlemarch” a segmented version of Middlemarch
Sublunary editions niche out of print prints in small packages
Indie theater membership
Tix to the opera
Twitter blue subscription “for the poster in your life”, says Saltypickles
Nathan the concert cellist recommends a beautiful set of playing cards
Gourmands
Consumables make fantastic gifts, contrary to popular opinion. The best gift is the one you remember enjoying, not necessarily the one that lasts forever. Many foods also come in subscription or gift-box form so try doing some research along those lines for any of your recipient’s favorites.
Ice cream (ship from Jeni’s OR Frankie and Jo’s vegan)
Katz’s birthday box
Pickle making kit
Chili oil making kit
A knife sharpener
Bucket of Maldon
Coffee delivery subscription (I always just stick with Blue Bottle or Portland’s Heart if the recipient is especially into coffee)
A fine steel pan that won’t put microplastics and BPAS into your food
Better: a good quality cast iron pan. Says New York Max:
Literally everybody should have one of these, but a heavyweight good cast iron does have some sort of funny masculine energy to it where you’re like…a dude making steak and burgers for the boys.
Wayfarers
Men are built to conquer. These ideas are for men who do NOT appreciate a comfortable bed, mood lighting, and a well made drink.
Rains backpack
Sailing lesson
Steel-toed boots
Extra bright flashlight
Birdwell Beach Britches Classic Swim Trunks. New York Max (who in actuality is a California Max) speaks on it:
Being from California, I always found men’s swimwear to be mostly hideous designs from like O’Neil or Quicksilver that were baggy and dorky. Red Hot Chili Peppers-core, if you will. Birdwell has such classic one color or single stripe trunks that feel tastefully Rohmer-y and 70s and are properly short without veering into atrocious Chubbies-Fratty territory.
Oyster shucking kit. Or just oysters. The linked Hama Hamas are my favorite variety.
Aquarium or zoo membership
A weekender bag
City travel guides. Wildsam and Wallpaper brands both look nice, so it doesn’t really matter what’s in them imo
Ray Ban Aviators and Clubmasters - my friend Lars (I always say he reminds me of Tintin a bit) is partial to the Clubmasters and adds:
As [a] gift from my sister connected to [the Ray Bans], Croakies for sunglasses are great so when you are hiking/sailing/ doing any activity that involves lots of movement, the glasses don’t fall off
A day at the gun range
Acorn medium boxy rando bag with nitto m12 or m18 rack recommended by Forrest, who is almost certainly one of the most scrupulous men I know. He says:
I love my Acorn Medium Rando Bag. I’ve had mine for about 13 years and it’s held up, apart from some fading in the color. I think when buying a gift for a man, you should remember that men like classic things that last forever. Things like cast iron pans, Fender guitars, or Rolexes - stuff you buy once and the design never updates. This is one of those things.
If you don’t know, randoneuring is long distance, unsupported, noncompetitive group cycling. It isn’t quite touring, but you need to carry more than a racer would. A “rando” bag is a boxy handlebar bag that opens towards the rider so they can access the contents while riding. There are a lot of a lot of handlebar bags that you can’t reach into while riding. What’s the point of that? I don’t know. I want quick access to my camera, puffer jacket, snacks, binoculars, and cell phone and such. It fits everything you need if you’re just riding around town, or everything you need while riding if you’re doing an overnight trip carrying other bags. You don’t want to be digging around for your camera if you see a majestic beast at sunrise drenched in fog. You want it right there.
Acorn sells their bags in drops, like hypebeasts, so it’s sort of a pain to buy from them even if the product is worth it. A few other companies make similar bags: RuthWorks, Swift Industries, Velo Orange x Road Runner, and Berthoud. They’re all around the same $200-$300 price, with Acorn on the cheaper side of the spectrum. I think Acorn makes the better product out of all these brands, if for no other reason that the rear pockets open with turn buttons instead of elastic and hooks. Velo Orange x Road Runner doesn’t come with rear pockets, and Swift Industries sells theirs separately on some models. Inferior designs abound.
This style of bag requires a rack for support, you need a Nitto M12 if you have cantilever brakes, or a Nitto M18 if you don’t.
Saltypickles succinctly recommends another type of satchel: the fannypack:
I bought the Moment MTW Fanny Sling 2L a couple months ago and its been a gamechanger. I can carry books backup battery cigarattes frozen meat beer cans in it. it’s great to have a small portable everyday carry bag
Tinkerers, perfectionists, gadget guys and hobbyists
I am allowing functional gifts here because I do recognize that for some men (Virgos), pleasure is found in utility.
A tiny model stealth bomber
Something for a mechanical keyboard fan
a nice Fluke multimeter
an iFixIt repair kit
a “Credit Card Lock Pick Set” (get one with a case says an anonymous friend)
Zebra DelGuard or Rotring 800 or Uni Kuru Toga mechanical pencils
Forrest (a bird watching enthusiast) also recommends this particular set of binoculars, saying they “let you see a bird as if you were much closer”.
New York Max with a final word on the Olympus AF-1 Point and Shoot Camera:
Maybe played out at this point but still, we live in a digital age and our phones won’t keep those photos forever. All these rolls of negatives will I’m sure make me even happier to go through and rediscover when I’m a middle aged Dad trying to prove to my kid that I did it first.
Other ideas
if you need more inspiration.
A sweet note from my friend Plank on Twitter:
One time @SheaSerrano was going viral for asking people to post their “rookie card” aka a picture of them from their first sports team. It was very special. People were digging up old pictures from when they were like 4 or 5 and on a soccer team for the first time. I love Shea but I lost all my youth sports pictures when my family immigrated to America and I was very sad I couldn’t participate because I love @SheaSerrano. So my wife very subtly asked me to describe my youth basketball team uniform and then like one month later, she gave me a framed sketch. She commissioned one of her artist friends to draw up my “rookie card” based on the description I gave her. It’s the best gift I ever received. So nostalgic, unique, and full of love. I keep it on my desk at work.
Tiny fingerhands - I think these are good if you want to make someone laugh or just let them know you’re thinking of them. They’re really ridiculous.
Chicken pot pie but the crust is made of biscuits
Sourdough starter
A chaste kiss (assuming he’s single)
A blind date (assuming he’s single)
Actual Man Matt adds:
If all else fails, get a signed copy of a favorite book. Or frame a poem he loves. Oh, wait, he doesn't read or like poetry, you say? Then dump his ass and find someone who does.
“Captains of Crush” handgripper set
Kyle Kashuv (21 years old) says: “Socks. Maybe a nice knife. Underwear. Tefellin if his parents didn’t get him one. A child”. And then complimented himself on his recommendations. Thank you Kyle!
A power drill
FYI every man over 40 said something like this:
Ok all for now! Might come back and refine this on a regular basis. Women’s gift guide next!
The Axis of Maxes refers to my friends Max B. and Max T., who live in DC and New York respectively. They exemplify my Theory of the Convergent Evolution of Maxes as they are both gentlemen raconteurs, extremely skilled at ordering for the table and squiring beautiful young women about town. And they both became this way despite never having met one another! It goes without saying that I rely on them heavily.
If you’re on this list I wish you would publish your thoughts in a public forum if you don’t already.
damn it audrey
One sentence into the piece and I can tell it’s a classic. You should start every piece with “I am renowned in certain circles for...”