When you amass 30,000 followers, you begin to develop an aura of gurudom which in most cases generally and in my case in particular, is wholly unearned. People ascribe wisdom to you without stopping to consider that the easiest route to a sizable following is to tweet a lot and to never stop tweeting, and also to pick a lot of dumb fights, and not necessarily to have any great degree of professional success, cultivated expertise, sparkling wit, or divine insight into the hidden depths of human nature. Rarely do they consider that if I possessed a single one of these qualities, I would not be on Twitter at all.
BUT, people ask me for advice. Young people (I mean people younger than me) frequently ask me for advice, some having to do with dating but most having to do with the related problem of loneliness and how to escape it. Having recently turned thirty, having survived severe isolation during the pandemic, having moved from coast to coast several times during the last decade, having grown up in an exclusive Christian sect, having been homeschooled, having cultivated a relatively obnoxious online presence and having made real, in-person friends in spite of all those obstacles on top of the many everyday social challenges facing my generation and the one right after me, I humbly offer that I am qualified to answer one question, the most common question I receive, and that is:
How do I meet people and make friends?
I guess those are two questions. But they are asking the same thing. I know because I asked myself those questions for years, and the typical response to both was always the same (go to meetups! be yourself) and it didn’t really work for me. Here’s what did:
Find a place where you can find your voice
This is my own version of the “be yourself” advice. It’s a bit of a chicken-or-egg thing, but I’ve found the most critical component to making new, real friends, is the ability to show up confidently as yourself. This is no small task. What helped me develop this skill the most was finding a safe space (yes! a safe space!) to find an authentic voice. You need the ability to express yourself in a low-pressure environment so you can fail and try again without it being a big deal. This is the only way you’ll figure out what feels right and what feels wrong for you, and if you don’t figure that out, you’ll always feel like you’re skating on the surface of the social world and never breaking through to its depths. Twitter was a great interim space for me to learn how to exercise this muscle at a time when not a lot of flesh-and-blood social interaction was available to me. Other great avenues include spending more time around people who already accept and love you (doesn’t matter who they are!), getting really good at a creative practice, going to therapy if you need it, learning how to be alone with your thoughts, and/or leaving an environment that is holding you back. Whatever it takes to strengthen your ability to show up as yourself is worth it in the long run.Start with what you are already interested in or passionate about…
OK this is not the “go to meetups” thing, but it also kind of is. Just listen. To meet people in real life, you will have to participate in real-world activities involving other people. Duh. No way around it. My contribution to this advice is to start with activities that you already like. One: you’re not going to stick with something you’re not actually interested in, and Two: people can tell when you’re faking an interest for social gain, and that reads as desperate (not sexy!). As you grow and develop your voice and social world your interests may expand organically, but if you’re already depleted and having a hard time connecting with people, don’t force hobbies just to create a false social context for yourself. That’s not satisfying. I was into some corny stuff in 2019 that I’m not into anymore, but at that time I sincerely enjoyed it and that is what allowed me to meet other people who enjoyed it too, and then we were able to connect over the fact that we were both enjoying the same thing. Sincere passion is attractive to others. Don’t undermine it.…but don’t stay there. Dynamic people never do.
Once you’ve developed some social sea legs (or even before you have), it’s a good idea to branch out. I started going to the symphony regularly despite knowing nothing about classical music, and ended up meeting one of my lifelong friends there when I asked her to take a picture of me. Also, not all interests are built equally. Some are more conducive to a social life. My advice is to start with your genuine interests, and then open yourself up to things you think you could become interested in or are just curious about, even if they are far outside of your usual domain, especially if they are able to draw you into a new social network. Curiosity is attractive to others. Don’t undermine that either.Start conversations
If you are at an event you’re interested in, you can be confident that the other people in attendance are interested in the same thing, and that is enough reason to strike up a conversation. If you are at an event you aren’t interested in, you can at least ask the other people there why it interests them. There are conversations to be had everywhere, and more people than you think will be happy to have those conversations with you.Take action
You need to be totally devoted to building your lore. I don’t care what you do, just make sure you’re doing stuff. Talk to people at the grocery store. Go train hopping. Go axe-throwing with your coworkers. Take selfies with the fish you caught. Cultivate strong opinions. Write bad fiction and submit it to a magazine and get rejected. Get really involved in your HOA. Become a completist. Build a boat. Study French. Call your grandma every week. Do things. This will both put you in contact with more people and give you more points of commonality with others, or at least give you stories to tell during conversational lulls.Don’t be embarrassed
In Spanish there’s a slang word “machetera,” which literally translates to woman who wields a machete, but figuratively means “someone who does sloppy work.” I never took it that way. To me it means someone who does what it takes to hack through the forest and get the job done. In the spirit of the machetera, I’ve tried to stop apologizing for being so online, because that is the very thing that has enabled my current, real-life friendships. The fact is, our world is very online, segmented, atomized, whatever you want to call it, and not super conducive to the organic, meet-cute socializing we all yearn for. Don’t apologize for your loneliness or for the efforts you are making to remedy it, given that hostile context. We are social creatures, we were never meant to live in a vacuum, and it is perfectly legitimate to take matters into your own hands and find your people wherever they are. Don’t worry too much about how you get there.Do not spend too much time with people who do not accept you
I wasted a lot of time and energy in my twenties trying to force friendships and relationships with people who didn’t like me very much, when I could have spent that time finding my own voice and my own people. Learn to identify bad treatment and leave spaces where you’re not wanted. It will free up your energy to expend on people who respect you, which are the only types of people worth befriending anyway.Don’t take things personally
Related to the above, when I say ‘not wanted’ I don’t mean, like, you had some awkward moments the first couple of times you met someone, or people didn’t ask you enough questions at a party. I mean sustained, obvious mistreatment attributable to malice and not just awkwardness. Most of the time, people are not acting out of malice towards you, but out of their own sense of fear or simple self-absorption. Learning how to be resilient to initial social faux pas is a major boon.Invite people to things
The simplest way to make friends is to be a friend. I don’t care if you met them one time, people love to be invited and included. That alone is a valid reason to ask someone to do something with you. You will of course need someone to ask and something to do, but if you’ve been cultivating your interests and curiosity, that shouldn’t be a problem. If there’s a concert or a book talk or a farmer’s market or a new restaurant you want to try or church you want to go to or movie you want to see or you want to watch a game at a bar or you need to go shopping for a table or you’ve never been golfing and you want to go golfing, call someone up and see if they’re free to join. Normalize friend dates.Introduce people to each other (and they will do the same for you)
The nice thing about people is that they usually know more people. Say yes to any social invitations that crop up, remember names and faces, and put people in touch with each other whenever you can. They will remember the link and it will pay off over time.Make no assumptions
This has gotten a lot easier as I’ve gotten older, but do not make any assumptions about who you can or can’t befriend. I started out my twenties only hanging out with women my age in my church, but now count people of all ages and walks of life as friends. My social life has been greatly enriched for it. I think this happens as you mature and your interests develop, but it is not inherently off-limits to young people. Trust that all people like to be listened to. Trust that all people like to be invited and included. Trust that your friendship means something, and that it is of value to other people, no matter who they are or where they come from. Trust that everyone you meet has something to teach you.
Bonus: Ways I have actually made friends
Going to the symphony and asking someone my age to take a picture of me
Uber Pool (RIP)
Talking to someone I sat down next to at dinner
Asking what someone was reading on the bus
Tennis lessons
Podcast subreddit meetups (lmao)
Church
Reply-guying
Responding to Instagram stories
Squashing beef via Twitter DM
Saying yes to invitations
Going on Hinge dates and getting along better as friends
Asking old friends to set me up
Hosting dinner and asking people to bring their friends
Showing up to the same coffee shop regularly and getting to know the other regulars and staff
Remembering that someone I met once was in the neighborhood, and texting them to ask if they wanted to meet up
Visiting a new city and reaching out to friends of friends who I knew lived there
Going to book talks, plays, readings, and debates, and talking to people after
Complimenting a stranger’s outfit
Saying “Do I know you? You look very familiar…”
Asking for directions
Asking for advice
Apologizing
There is a lot more to be said on this topic, on confidence, on romantic relationships, on starting conversations and good conversations and on friendship itself, but I think this is sufficient for now. If you have specific questions related to friendship or life, please DM me on Twitter! If you have something to teach me about friendship or life, please do the same.
"The simplest way to make friends is to be a friend." This is something I really want to be able to do right and to get better at.
"Introduceing friends to each other" is something i do a lot and call "friend retiring". It's been a long running joke of mine the last ten years. So much GREAT advice in this post.