I was just gonna devote a positive little section to this in the women’s gift guide but my fans have been hounding me so I suppose I’ll just divulge all here even though I really shouldn’t have to. Indeed, this feels like pearls before swine. Not even that, more like the sharing of obvious truths which is almost always vulgar outside the company of children, but who am I to deny the wisdom of my long years of suffering to the willfully ignorant men rehashing the same arguments, who, in the absence of my condescension, may be doomed to years of scuttling around like ants without a queen. Who am I! I’m just a little woman. And I’m about to spell the following out.
Commonly asked questions:
Why do women love flowers?
Aren’t they just going to die?
Flowers are meaningless.
I show my love in other ways.
I already do x, y, and z, why do I also have to buy flowers?
If you have ever asked any of the above questions, or made any of the above statements, I am not saying it’s over. I am not saying all is lost. You have simply outed yourself as being at the very start of a long journey. I am going to tell you plainly: you are missing the warmth and generosity of spirit that make up the content of character of the classic pater familias1. You just aren’t ripe for the picking yet.
Women love flowers. All women love flowers. There is no woman living in the full strength of her femininity whose life has not been improved by a bouquet. There is no woman so bitter in heart who hasn’t felt a twinge of joy at being given a single rose.
For that reason alone, there should be no further questions in your mind. There should only be action.
But that’s not enough for some of you. Some of you are so mired in “rationalism”, devoid of romance, incapable of stepping into a woman’s beautiful mind, that you need explicit answers, and for that reason, because my veins are filled with kindness, because I wish for no one to suffer any longer… I’ve put together this handy FAQ:
FAQ
Why do women love flowers?
They are beautiful and delicate and they smell good. It feels nice to look at them. They make you happy. You know who else is beautiful and delicate and smells good? You know who else feels nice to look at and makes you happy? That’s right. Receiving them (as a woman) also means the man you know saw them and thought of you with tender sweet affection, and went out of his way to procure them for you, even though they are just an ephemeral token. Wow. Isn’t that nice? It’s one of the nicest things a girl can know.
Aren’t they just going to die?
Yes. Aren’t YOU? Life is fragile and precious.
Flowers are meaningless.
No they’re not. They tell a story. God made flowers for the purpose of plant reproduction. There’s a whole story right there. Also He didn’t have to make them so beautiful… I’m sure He could have devised another way of making plants reproduce. But He did make them beautiful. That’s something to think about! And besides all that inherent meaning, there’s plenty of constructed meaning to flowers. Plenty of symbolism. They have long been tied to emotion and romance. Do you deny the long history of flowers? Read a book.
I show my love in other ways.
This isn’t about you. If you know flowers would be well received why not go out of your way to perform this little gesture. Doesn’t it give you joy to see someone else’s joy? Who does your heart beat for?
I already do x, y, and z, why do I also have to buy flowers?
It’s such little effort for such high reward. So easy. How callous and cold-hearted do you have to be to deny the object of your affection this small, simple pleasure? This little cherry-on-top moment tokenizing the limitless resource of LOVE?
FAQ now that we are on the same page:
When should I give flowers?
Anytime. Valentine’s Day and birthday flowers are bare minimum. They are most romantic as a surprise, spurred by great spontaneous affection2. They are appropriate but least effective as an apology gift, because if they are only ever given as an apology gift, they will inevitably become associated with screw-ups and not with true love.
Which flowers do I give?
All flowers are lovely, and roses are classically romantic and always well-received, but the more personalized you can get the better. Get creative. There are many avant-garde florists out there these days. Many women with opinions. Every girl has a favorite color and many have a favorite flower (or several) and most have distinctive personalities. Get something that reminds you of her. If you don’t know her preferences, I’m sure her friends will be happy to find out for you. Honestly though, the simple act of giving flowers is very sweet and only a witch would turn her nose at a bouquet, even if it was made of carnations.
Why do we give them to women? Why can’t men receive flowers?
They just make a woman feel like a woman. They can of course also be given to men, though they may not be as well received. I myself have given them to men who might be classified as aesthetes. Men who have a particularly evolved aesthetic vision may take well to flowers. I even included them as a suggestion in my gift guide for men under the ‘Fancy Men’ section. However, I think the traditionally gendered giving of flowers is charming and romantic and reinforces the submissive and trad dynamic I know we all agree on here.
Imagine the Godfather. I always think of the Godfather when I think of giving women flowers. You think the Godfather wouldn’t give his wife a beautiful bunch of peonies? Before having some guys killed?
My best friend sent a bouquet to my hotel room as a surprise for my 27th birthday and signed it from a “secret admirer” (even though it was just her) because she knew I would get such a kick out of it. honestly very good gift. Don’t do this to some random girl you don’t know though, I shouldn’t have to say that but I know my followers.
imagine doing something for the girls but being an ableist piece of shit
The first thing I cry about after a break up is "He didn't give me flowers". I've dated several men and not one of them has handed me flowers, and I wholeheartedly believe that if they had we wouldn't be on our separate paths 🙃